so I got a macbook back when I started college. It was when they finally started using Intel, and I got a discount through my college, so I figured OK, time to try this shit since I don't own a laptop.
I'm there, and I asked a bunch of questions about programming on it. They were clueless. I figured f*ck it, it's OK, I'll figure it out once I get it.
I will admit, Apple's hardware is kinda nice. The screen was the best laptop screen at the time. It all smelled nice. It was a neat thing. I was excited. PC laptops hadn't adopted good keyboards yet.
So I was like "OK, I could get a Gateway also. They have an accidental damage replacement plan. What do you have, Appleduder?"
He goes OH WE GOT APPLE CARE ITS GREAT. MY NIECE SPILLED GRAPEJUICE ON MY MACBOOK, GOT A NEW ONE FREE OF CHARGE. FREE REPAIRS AND EVERYTHING.
I'm like cool. Sold. Give me that and this Macbook. I got some other shit too. like a Mighty (piece of shit) mouse, Parallels (waste of money).
Fast forward like 9 months later.
1) The power brick started to fall apart
2) The DVD drive stopped being reliable at reading anything that wasn't brand new.
3) The battery stopped holding a charge for more than half a second.
4) I accidentally knocked a can of coke onto the laptop.
I went "ah f*ck" and threw it in the sink and cranked the water, hoping to get the pop out so it could just like air out and maybe be OK.
Nope.
I was like well, time to go get a new laptop because AppleCare.
I go drop it off at the Macstore in HipsterTownUSA (its this shopping center full of yuppie cunts). I said, I spilled pop on this. I have AppleCare. Do whatever.
A few days later, I come back, and they go Oh it's gonna be 800$ to fix all this. I said, and I quote.
"no, it's going to be free, according to that dude over there who sold me your AppleCare plan."
They get kind of prissy. They don't know that I am one of those people that will unleash a verbal assault when required. I just kind of hang back and sit there as they call numbnuts over.
They ask him "Did you tell this kid apple care will fix accidental damage like spills or dropping it and breaking it?"
"NO, WHY WOULD I DO THAT. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. THIS CHUMPS CLEARLY LYING TO TRY AND GET FREE STUFF."
I looked at him like "... are you really calling me a liar?" and he goes "LOOK IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD MACS AND REPAIRS, MAYBE THEY AREN'T FOR YOU. MACS ARE A CUT ABOVE THE REST."
This was the equivalent of when they open that gate and let that pissed off bull into the rodeo thing to f*ck up everyone.
I got off their Genius Bar stool and said
"Look dude, you work sales at a Mac store. You aren't exactly wiping your ass with money. That's probably your shitty looking Chevy Cobalt in the parking lot with the dumbass Apple sticker on the window. That's probably why you sold me some BS story about your niece spilling grapejuice on your macbook and getting a free replacement so you could dupe me into buying the plan. You get commission from it, don't you?"
He started to get all pissy at my accusation. Little did he know, I already assumed the worst, made sure he was working when I went in to get it, and made sure to eavesdrop while I waited.
I legit heard him selling the same shpeel to some lady who was now browsing macbook accessories.
The genius bar people are already in crisis mode because they probably aren't trained in what to do when weird looking skinny kids with perms come in and start laying into someone.
So I'm like "I think we need a manager. Get one of those. It shouldn't be hard, since you're geniuses and all."
Dude goes "OUR MANAGER IS GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT WE ALREADY TOLD YOU"
I go "hahaha yeah, you keep thinking that. go get him."
Manager comes out. They explain their situation and he's like "well... yeah that's not how apple care works, so we can't do anything. Sorry."
and I go "Yep, noted, but hey , watch this."
I go "hey, lady, come here and tell us what this guy told you about Apple Care"
she legit goes:
"OH! It sounds great! He said his niece spilled grape juice on his and got a free replacement! I have kids so it sounds like a great deal."
dudes face looked like he sharted. Manager looks at him and goes "You're done. Just leave."
Then they explain to the lady that he's a lying piece of shit, so she just goes "... oh", tosses the stuff she was going to buy on the table nearby, tells them she doesn't want the Macbook Pro anymore, and left. I giggled.
Then they refunded me the entire cost of the AppleCare plan, and I talked them into refunding me for all the other accessories I had bought since he wasted my f*cking time.
As I left, I went over to the music demo-y setup and started playing the intro synths from Jump, recorded it, had it set to repeat, plugged the mouse into the adjacent computer, cranked the volume, pulled the volume knob off the speakers, and just walked out, lol. I flicked the volume knob into the bushes, turned around and threw up some middle fingers and just strolled away laughing.
Then I sold the broken macbook for 900$ on ebay and got a Gateway.
When the accidentally replacement thing was about to expire, I took the HDD out and punted it down a flight of steps at the mall.
Got me a free replacement, and since it was an old model, they gave me the current equivalent.
Did that two more times.
Hell yeah.
f*ck Apple.
